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When the holidays roll around, our friends are always asking my husband and I if we are “going home” to celebrate. This question has perplexed me for as long as I can remember.
What does it mean to “go home” when that involves a 7 hour car ride to where we’re from? Sure, Pittsburgh will always have a very special place in our hearts because that’s where we were both brought up. We met there. We had our first baby there. But then we moved to North Carolina and started a new life. Doesn’t that count for anything?
Should we just pack up and leave our house and all of our belongings every time a special day rolls around?
We don’t think so.
Scotty and I have made it a point for years to actually avoid spending Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays, etc. with family. I know, I know, it sounds harsh, and it is. We have a few great reasons and I stand firmly behind them.
First of all, almost everyone I know has some kind of war story to share after spending a few days with family. I completely support people who have strong, healthy relationships with their families who actually want to spend time with them.
We wish we had that too.
This just isn’t the case for my husband and I, unfortunately. Believe me when I say that when it comes to dysfunction, our families have all of the bases covered. Yet for years, we dreaded every birthday, every Easter, every Mother’s Day, and every Christmas season because we felt obligated to spend it with these people that have given us so little reason to allow them into our lives.
The holidays have always been filled with drama, sideways comments or insults, and guilt trips about not being around even more.
Spending hours in such an uncomfortable environment ended up making us dread the holidays.
When Scotty and I were still dating, we started traveling for every holiday to actually avoid the drama. We made tons of excuses. “We are so busy and don’t have any time off of work, so we have to travel on the holidays if we want to go anywhere.”
Finally, when Scotty and I were about to get married, we made the decision to reclaim our holidays. No more lying about where we were going or who we were spending the holidays with. No more justifying why we didn’t want to sit in a pressure cooker environment for hours on our special days. We would actually enjoy our holidays. What a novel idea!
Now, if you come from a good family, you’re probably appalled at the idea of avoiding relatives on Easter or not spending Christmas morning opening presents with your family. If you have the kind of family that my husband and I do, you’re probably jealous of our set up and wish you could overcome whatever obstacles are in your way of having the same holidays that we do.
What some people may not understand is that we do spend the holidays with family.
On Easter morning, Scotty and I will hide Easter eggs for our little boys.
On Thanksgiving, we’ll sit around talking about our family and how thankful we are to have each other. In fact, last year, we spent Thanksgiving in Orlando with our best friend and his family. We got to give our son the experience of a happy, non-dysfunctional large family gathering for his first Thanksgiving.
On Christmas, we spent our morning opening presents with our little one before loading up the car to go on another vacation to Florida to visit more friends and see those who are so important to us.
We do spend the holidays with our family. The family that we created together.
Our main reason for avoiding our families, especially around holidays and birthdays, is that we want our kids to have the non-dysfunctional family functions that we wished we had growing up. Scotty and I have worked hard to cultivate a happy, loving, respectful relationship that any kid would be lucky to grow up around.
We don’t want the obligation of family guilt to taint that.
If you have a great relationship with your family, absolutely spend your special days with them! Enjoy the moments you have with them, because life is just too short.
If you don’t have a good family or if your holidays are currently filled with drama, dysfunction, and dread, I encourage you to take a different approach.
Instead of feeling obligated to spend these precious moments with people who you may happen to share a last name or bloodline with, realize that life is short.
Moments are fleeting.
Spend your days, especially very special ones like holidays that you celebrate, with those that you truly love and who have earned a place in your life.
Be selective with your time and who you give it to. Time is the one resource we can’t replace.
You can make more money. You can buy new possessions. When time is gone, it’s gone.
Spend your holidays making traditions with those that you love and valuing the time you get with them. Tomorrow is promised to no one. Make the most of each and every moment and make it count.
Do you go back to your hometown for holidays? What changes have you made with your own family compared to the way you grew up? Let me know in the comments!
I applaud you for making this decision. Holidays can be incredibly hectic, add in a few well placed guilt trips and sideways barbs and it becomes miserable. Good for you for putting your foot down and starting your very own family traditions!
Well this is just a breath of fresh air for me! I now live about 4,000 km away from my family and every time I go back home, I get closer and closer to saying “this is the last time”. I suppose it would be different if we lived closer and those visits could take place over afternoons a couple weekends a month, but because of the distance, we need to spend at least a week with overly judgmental and critical family members to make it “worth it”. We haven’t gone home for Christmas, Easter or Thanksgiving in about five years now and I’m okay with that. We have a little boy now and are busy making new traditions with him. Plus flying with a toddler is HARD. And wouldn’t you know it, we’re not enough of a draw for those family members to come and visit US. Womp womp! I appreciate your honesty, and your commitment to building the kind of family you always wanted.
This was a great read! We just moved from CA to UT three months ago. We cannot make it out for the holiday season, we JUST moved here and are excited about celebrating holidays in our new home. I know that both grandparents are upset, their will be guilt trips thrown about, but I think my husband, my children, and I will benefit from enjoying a cozy Christmas at out new home. The feeling of obligation causes so much stress, I don’t want to be responsible to other people’s joy, unless it is my own kids! I thought when we moved that I would be visiting CA regularly and coming out for the holidays. Now that we are settled in I feel like I want to be here, at home and just visit maybe in the summer to see friends and family. It’s an adjustment for sure, but I feel good about the obligatory feelings growing smaller and smaller with distance.
Ugh, we were just discussing this! We went to my parents house Saturday for an early Thanksgiving. My family is exactly the opposite of how I want to raise my children.The environment stresses us all out, they are all impatient, loud, aggressive, etc. & at the end of the day, I find myself resorting back to that. I hate it. I seriously dread going there. I enjoy the fun moments, but they are so far and few between the other moments. My husband’s family is just as toxic, except they are passive aggressive. Little comments, here and there. Acting as if they didn’t say horrible and negative things about how we raise our children the whole year. Definitely not how I want my boys to view their families or how family is supposed to be. I try to envision when my boys are older with their families and those holidays instead. We only live a couple of hours away from both sets, so it’s hard to figure out alternatives. Thank you for sharing! <3
I can really appreciate your article. My husband and I decided to let go and live the best life we want to appreciate. I refuse to pretend. I want my final to be peaceful, loving, non convicting, and memories that make our hearts explode with love we can see and feel. God is great and it is awsome to find others that share our holiday goals.
God Bless you and be encouraged.
Funny my husband and I decided the same thing when we moved to NC. Besides the 6 hour ridiculously expensive plane ride, it’s too stressful. We end up fighting because family has stressed us out so much that we’ve turned on each other. No thanks. I love the traditions we are making with our kids. And we love having low key holidays without the drama.