Why We Don’t Go Home For the Holidays

When the holidays roll around, our friends are always asking my husband and I if we are “going home” to celebrate.  This question has perplexed me for as long as I can remember.

What does it mean to “go home” when that involves a 7 hour car ride to where we’re from?  Sure, Pittsburgh will always have a very special place in our hearts because that’s where we were both brought up.  We met there.  We had our first baby there.  But then we moved to North Carolina and started a new life.  Doesn’t that count for anything?

Should we just pack up and leave our house and all of our belongings every time a special day rolls around?

We don’t think so.

We actually love going home and love spending time with our loved ones there.

It isn’t that we have a bad relationship with anyone there, although that WAS the case for many years.

It was actually the reason we first started avoiding holidays with family.

Now, we have four kids of our own, have mostly repaired the damaged relationships with family as time has passed, but our stance on holidays remains the same.

No, we won’t be coming home for Christmas.

Or Easter.

Or Thanksgiving.

Why?

Well let’s unpack this a little bit.

I Hate Holidays

First of all, I married a Scrooge.

Only in recent years at my urging has he made a real effort to stop hating the holidays and make an effort to enjoy them.

After doing a lot of emotional digging, I finally got my husband to figure out that the reason he hates the holidays is that he was a wrestler growing up.

He absolutely loved the sport, but with it came cutting weight.

He would sit upstairs in his room during Thanksgiving instead of eating dinner with his family.

The holidays became, in his mind, a day of doing without for a sport he loved instead of letting loose and enjoying the activities going on around him.

Also, his birthday seems to be cursed, but that’s another story for another day.

Suffice it to say that when holidays and birthdays roll around, my husband has always been wound like a top making family stress at the holidays more than he can tolerate.

Holidays with Dysfunctional Family

Like I said before, for years, we had a dysfunctional relationship with our families.

After trying to sort that out during our dating years and into our marriage, we finally decided to step away when I was pregnant with our second baby.

Scotty and I have made it a point for years to actually avoid spending Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays, etc. with family. 

I know, I know, it sounds harsh, and it is. 

We have a few great reasons and I stand firmly behind them.

First of all, almost everyone I know has some kind of war story to share after spending a few days with family. 

Even the most emotionally stable families have stress and drama on holidays.

If you are somehow able to travel for every holiday, appease everyone (including your kids), and make it home on Christmas night without becoming a frazzled mess – you have my unwavering respect.

The fact is that it just isn’t that way for most of us.

Leaving the house to go to a playground is stressful, let alone dragging our kids away from their presents and Easter eggs.

When my husband and I were dating, we felt the pressure without even having kids. 

Just trying to figure out ahead of time what time we could be when made us feel like we were failing everyone and we were miserable…and our families only lived an hour apart!

Finally, when we were about to get married, we made the decision to reclaim our holidays.  

We would make it the expectation that we WOULDN’T be coming home for Christmas or any other holiday.

Not because we don’t love family time or our families in general – but because it’s freaking stressful!

 

What some people may not understand is that we do spend the holidays with family.

 

On Easter morning, Scotty and I will hide Easter eggs for our little boys.

On Thanksgiving, we’ll sit around talking about our family and how thankful we are to have each other.  

On Christmas, we spend our mornings opening presents with our little ones before sitting around to play with those toys for an entire day.

We do spend the holidays with our family.  The family that we created together.

If you have a great relationship with your family, absolutely spend your special days with them!  Enjoy the moments you have with them, because life is just too short.

Or create a day near the holidays that you will be around to celebrate.

Easter, Christmas, and birthdays don’t have to be celebrated on the actual day in order to feel special.

If you don’t have a good family or if your holidays are currently filled with drama, dysfunction, and dread, I encourage you to take a different approach.

Instead of feeling obligated to spend these precious moments with people who you may happen to share a last name or bloodline with, realize that life is short.

Moments are fleeting.

Spend your days, especially very special ones like holidays that you celebrate, with those that you truly love and who have earned a place in your life.

Be selective with your time and who you give it to.  Time is the one resource we can’t replace.

You can make more money.  You can buy new possessions.  When time is gone, it’s gone.

Spend your holidays making traditions with those that you love and valuing the time you get with them.  Tomorrow is promised to no one.  Make the most of each and every moment and make it count.

Do you go back to your hometown for holidays?  What changes have you made with your own family compared to the way you grew up?  Let me know in the comments!