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The number one reaction I get when I tell people that my husband and I co-sleep with our son is “you still have to make time for your husband even though you’re a mom” or raised eyebrows and a look of pity as though it’s a bad thing. Almost everyone, stranger or not, that knows about this aspect of our lives insinuates that our sex life must be virtually non-existent. If they only knew…
If you blush easily, you may want to stop reading now. It’s about to get real…
Time for some TMI – my husband and I have the most active sex life of any of our friends. When we ended up bed sharing with our son, (something I swore I would never do, by the way), we made a commitment that we wouldn’t let it stand in the way of our love life. We’ve always loved our physical connection and definitely didn’t want to lose it just because we became parents.
Now I won’t lie to you and say it was initially the easiest thing. We definitely went through a period during the “4th trimester” where I didn’t want sex as much, the baby was up at all hours crying, and we were both exhausted. The quality and frequency of our sex life took a hit. BUT we stuck with it and now everything is back on track!
First of all, I think it’s important to understand that co-sleeping isn’t for everyone. Bed sharing may be even less appealing to most new parents. However, take it from a breastfeeding mama…once you realize that you can breastfeed laying down and nurse the baby even while you sleep, all of those promises you made to yourself about never co-sleeping will fly right out the window faster than you can say “not tonight, dear, I have a headache.”
Now for the good stuff, how we got our sex life back on track even with a baby in bed with us:
The biggest key to our success is to not be picky about time or location. When the baby falls asleep, you have to make it the right time, even if you’d rather pass out right next to the little one. Tomorrow when you and your spouse aren’t given the opportunity, I promise you’ll regret every chance you passed up!
Yes, romance might suffer a little bit, but there’s actually some fun and excitement in hoping you get the green light from your child who is trying everything in their power to be a tiny road block to your sex life! Most nights, Scotty and I watch the baby’s eyes close and then give each other “the look” and try to be as stealthy as possible as we sneak out of the room.
WD-40 will become your best friend for squeaky doors that are sure to wake up the tiny terrorist that is looking to hijack your moment.
The biggest key is to make sure YOU set the frequency of your sex life.
Not your little one. Your baby might be the biggest and best thing in your life now, but if you don’t make time for your love life, no one else can do it for you. Even if you have to forego sleep or that TV show or movie you’ve been dying to watch, you’ll be so happy that you did. The moment has a way of developing, even when it wasn’t there to begin with. Take it from Scotty and I. It’s amazing how quickly the mood can develop when you know you might only have 5 minutes to take advantage of your alone time!
Living rooms, kitchens, and even cars make excellent hiding spots for some quality alone time. Get creative! Now is the time to make some memories with your spouse that you’ll embarrass your kids with one day when they’re becoming parents themselves. I personally am building up quite a memory bank of those memories!
I can’t stress enough how important it is to make a commitment to your sex life after you decide to co-sleep or even bed share with your new baby. The kind of relationship you have with your spouse is likely to be the kind of relationship your children find themselves in one day.
Scotty and I discuss often that we want to make our kids so uncomfortable with how touchy-feely we are with each other. I’m completely in love with their father and I don’t plan to hide it from them. If that means a make out session happens at dinner or they catch me grabbing their daddy’s butt…so be it. Our kids are going to grow up seeing a ton of affection between us, and I truly believe they’ll only be better for it. Plus, how reassuring is it to know that your mom and dad are so in love and can’t get enough of each other? That’s a pretty great gift to give to a kid, if you ask me.
If you’re struggling with your sex life and think the only way for it to get better is to change your sleeping arrangement with your kids, think again. Take it from me, if we can make time for each other a few times a week (yep, you read that right. Aiming for every other day in our house!), then so can you!
Throw caution to the wind, grab a glass of wine, and make time for some alone time in another room after the kids are asleep or when they’re busy playing and you can squeeze in a few minutes behind a locked door. Have fun with it and MAKE IT HAPPEN! Trust me, you’ll be happy that you did and your friends will be envious of the relationship you develop. Parenting just adds another layer to my marriage.
My husband is even sexier now that he’s a father.
I can’t tell you how to have the energy. I can only tell you that sometimes even when your eyes are rolling back in your head in exhaustion is just the time to say “yep, I’m in the mood, let’s go!” Get creative and get that sex life back on track!
Do you have any tips for new parents on how to squeeze in some alone time? How long did it take you to get back in the groove after becoming parents? Let me know in the comments!
Great Blog! We have five kids and I had never co slept until our last and I love it but the struggle is real in this department ha! We have been trying get her to sleep in her crib for the first part of the night but so far actually as I type this its not going down so well
I give you credit for having the strength to try to put your daughter down in her own crib. I would give up too easily! Our solution to our bedroom being overrun with a toddler and an infant has come in the form of our living room couch 😉 Now no one will want to come visit us ever again haha
Yes, the living room couch is the go to! lol My LO sleeps in his crib until I go to bed, so sometimes the bed is an option, but his crib is two feet away, so I know he can still smell my milk!
Great post! The struggle becomes harder the more kids you have! I can’t remember where I read it, but supposedly it’s very good for kids to see their parents show affection. And I truly believe it. And as far as squeezing in love-makin’, it’s sooo important. You really do have to force yourself to get in the mood sometimes. But the health of your relationship depends upon it. Thanks again for writing about a topic that many women are too chicken to approach!
Thanks, Jenn! I read a quote on Pinterest that my husband and I now try to live by that basically said “Be great parents, gross your kids out.” I want our kids to grow up rolling their eyes at us being so kissy and lovey because that’s what I want them to find in a spouse someday! Squeezing in that “quality time” is tough, but I seriously notice a difference in our marriage when we don’t make time for it. We’re way more likely to argue or be snippy with each other. It’s important!
Excellent post. VERY important to keep that connection going, no matter what. I love the goal of grossing your kids out. lol
This may sound dumb, but I’m often afraid to leave my little one in our bed when I’m not there. He moves so much. What if he rolls off or wakes up and crawls off? We cosleep, so this is my struggle.
Hi Jessica, I feel ya sister. We put our mattress on our floor for a while to avoid that issue. Then we combined a full bed and a twin bed to make a giant bed for our family, BUT it’s up off of the floor now. Our son has attempted to run off the edge on more than one occasion. Luckily, my husband has cat-like reflexes and has managed to catch him thus far, but our days with a bed off the floor are numbered. Your worries are legit by the way. One of our great couple friends was on vacation with their son and he ran off the edge of the bed and broke his leg! Vacation over 🙁
My husband is a surgical resident. He gets up at 4 am and gets home around 7pm (sometimes later). When he gets home, he has to read for his cases for the next day, eat dinner, have time with baby before baby goes down for bed, try to exercise at some point, and see me! He ends up working one or both days of the weekend most weekends. He is usually ready for sleep at 9:30pm (sometimes he falls asleep on the couch while reading for work!). Most of the time I have to feed baby two times (when up from the last nap and before bed) and give him a bath before he goes down for the night. Then there is cleaning up dinner and doing dishes (which sometimes doesn’t happen until the next day…).
Some nights hubby helps with bathing baby while I do dishes, but most nights I do the bath and dishes while he does his prep for the next day. Some nights we can make it out to coffee or a walk before bed (if hubby gets home before 7pm).
As you can see, we have little time together, and even less time without work/baby/house stuff. Plus, I would love a little time without baby myself and a to give hubby time with baby too.
Any ideas or suggestions for how to make time for us? It’s obviously not going to happen every night, probably not every week (sometimes he works over 14 days in a row). Thanks!
Hi Lisa, wow you guys really do have a hectic schedule! I think you have to prioritize time for each other. Maybe sacrifice exercise one or two days a week and use that time for each other? Quality over quantity. You obviously aren’t going to have a ton of time together right now, but the time you do spend together needs to not involve discussing the baby or household chores. Can you commit to not doing housework when he’s around? Even creating the illusion of time might help. For example, when he has to read his cases, can you sit close to him and do some reading of your own after the baby goes down? This would give you a little time to yourself while allowing him to tend to his work responsibilities, but at least you’re in the same room together and you’re not off doing dishes or cleaning the house. Try to have a picnic in the living room together after baby goes to sleep. What about wine and cheese at home after the baby goes to sleep on nights that your hubby doesn’t work the next day? Obviously the best possible scenario would be to get a baby sitter every couple of weeks, but hopefully just a little time together will go a long way until your circumstances change! Also, go to bed at the same time. There are few things more lonely than falling asleep in an empty bed 🙂
Thank you for this! Our son is 5 months old and we’ve been struggling with this… when he finally goes to sleep, I usually would rather finish the laundry, work on a project, or do something else productive that I haven’t had time for… and it’s been really hard on my husband and our relationship. I need to make our sex life a top priority again! The chores can wait!!
Hi Taren! Exactly! The chores can wait! I’d be lying if I didn’t say I’d rather sleep sometimes, but I change my tune once our kids finally go to sleep and we can sneak away for some “alone time”. Good luck!
Hi-great post! I need to make this a priority… it’s definitely been on the back burner. My husband and I will be like we need to have sex, and then he falls asleep on the couch or we work or do chores. What kind of birth control are you using? I don’t really want to get back on the pill bc I had really bad pms with it/ I don’t think I would remember to take it everyday anyways lol. Thank you for your help!
Hi Bree…birth control, what’s that :-/ Haha just kidding. No birth control at the moment. With PCOS I’m not really worried about getting pregnant plus I’m exclusively breastfeeding. We want 4, so if I get pregnant again, that’s nuts, but great! I totally understand wanting to sleep instead of have sex. Sometimes sleep wins in our house too haha
Laughed all the way through this one!! Especially the references to the baby and their apparent fascination with co-opting alone time. As a mom who co-sleeps, I think you’ve hit the points right on the head. That being said, I’ve found that it all becomes a little more difficult after the baby is no longer newborn. They wake up easier (at least in my experience…but then again, we may just be going through a difficult phase right now). Anyway, thanks for being candid and sharing your insights into what is often portrayed as a sex squelching situation (i.e. co-sleeping). 🙂
My baby is 7 months and she only sleeps when held! Hubby and I switch off in the evenings holding her in the bed until we both go to sleep. She also only naps when held. We both try nightly to smoothly put her down into her co-sleeper (next to our bed) or onto our bed itself but it never works. She immediately wakes up. During the day she is a Velcro baby! There’s no way she’d happily chill out somewhere by herself while we sneak off. I feel like sex will never happen for us.
Same for me. He will only be held. It’s getting difficult and….. stressful without having sex. Quickie aren’t always an option.
He wakes right up. 😭
I don’t know what to do.
Love this blog!! My husband and I are expecting our first next month and this exact topic has been one we’ve discussed many times. Especially since we plan to co-sleep 🙂 We fully intend on having just as much of a sex life as we did before pregnancy and now.
I also love that you shared how you’re going to show your love for your husband in front of your kids. I have never been more in love with my husband than I am now and I know with every day I will only love him more. So I also fully intend to show that, even in front of my minis! Thanks for sharing!
Hi Laurelanna! Congratulations on your growing family! Believe me when I say your sex life will take work – but it IS possible. There have been so many times when we’ve had to pick between sleep and “alone time” and it’s pretty tough sometimes to say no to a quick nap haha. Ultimately, we prioritize our marriage and it’s been incredible for our relationship and for our boys. They deserve parents who are crazy about each other and we want to always give them that. Good luck with your new baby – I’ll be thinking about you!
Great article! I’m proud to say my husband and I have maintained a healthy love life through out my first preganacy and into my now almost 1 yr old’s life! My tip/ suggestion: Not the best time to “make time” is in the early morning. I was waaaay to out of it (most of the time). It didn’t make my husband feel great because I wasn’t into it. It worked better if I initiated it in the morning. But yes! Like it was mentioned earlier, make it happen! Any time! ;D
Hi Maggi!,
I’m now a zombie in the mornings with two kids and one on the way haha. Morning “quality time” isn’t happening in our house either. It’s more like midnight or naptime these days!
I love this! We are a co-sleeping family…by accident! Neither of us grew up doing it or around it. It worked for us, however we were very afraid and my husband a bit cautious about the idea in the beginning bc of the sex factor. I however convinced my husband if we did it that i would take the responsibility of sex into my hands and develop it and grow it so that it would maintain its priority in our relationship and family. We decided if this worked we would co-sleep…here we are 8 years later both of my children still choose to sleep with us. We have graduated to “bigger” beds as they have gotten bigger and now have 2 king size beds put side by side! We love sleeping together. Our kids love it and We love what our sex life has grown into! Try it…we have never once regretted it and our sex life has never suffered from it!