The number one reaction I get when I tell people that my husband and I co-sleep with our son is “you still have to make time for your husband even though you’re a mom” or raised eyebrows and a look of pity as though it’s a bad thing. Almost everyone, stranger or not, that knows about this aspect of our lives insinuates that our sex life must be virtually non-existent. If they only knew…
Is Cosleeping Bad for Your Marriage?
If you blush easily, you may want to stop reading now. It’s about to get real…
Time for some TMI – my husband and I have the most active sex life of any of our friends.
When we ended up bed sharing with our son, (something I swore I would never do, by the way), we made a commitment that we wouldn’t let it stand in the way of our love life.
We’ve always loved our physical connection and definitely didn’t want to lose it just because we became parents.
Now I won’t lie to you and say it was initially the easiest thing.
We definitely went through a period during the “4th trimester” where I didn’t want sex as much, the baby was up at all hours crying, and we were both exhausted. The quality and frequency of our sex life took a hit.
BUT we stuck with it and now everything is back on track!
Benefits of Cosleeping and Bedsharing
First of all, I think it’s important to understand that cosleeping isn’t for everyone.
Bed sharing may be even less appealing to most new parents.
However, take it from a breastfeeding mama…once you realize that you can breastfeed laying down and nurse the baby even while you sleep, you’ll change your mind.
When I was pregnant with our first, I told my husband there was no way we’d ever let him sleep with us.
After just a few nights of getting up and struggling to stay awake to nurse him, I asked my husband to make sure I didn’t roll over on him while I laid down to nurse.
I was just so desperate for some sleep.
A few nights of this and I decided to talk to our pediatrician at our next appointment.
She basically said that she could never tell me it’s okay to bedshare, but that unless I was drunk or using drugs, it was highly unlikely that I’d ever roll over on him.
A little more digging and I found that this is kind of the way humans have slept with their babies for most of our history.
I’m not here to tell you what’s safe for your baby.
In fact, you can read this article that breaks down into layman’s terms what the American Academy of Pediatrics advises about cosleeping.
I can only tell you that cosleeping is, beyond the shadow of a doubt, what saved our breastfeeding relationship.
How to Have a Sex Life While Cosleeping
Now for the good stuff, how we got our sex life back on track even with a baby in bed with us:
The biggest key to our success is to not be picky about time or location.
When the baby falls asleep, you have to make it the right time, even if you’d rather pass out right next to the little one.
Tomorrow when you and your spouse aren’t given the opportunity, I promise you’ll regret every chance you passed up!
Yes, romance might suffer a little bit, but there’s actually some fun and excitement in hoping you get the green light from your child who is trying everything in their power to be a tiny road block to your sex life!
Most nights, Scotty and I watch the baby’s eyes close and then give each other “the look” and try to be as stealthy as possible as we sneak out of the room.
WD-40 will become your best friend for squeaky doors that are sure to wake up the tiny terrorist that is looking to hijack your moment.
The biggest key is to make sure YOU set the frequency of your sex life.
Not your little one.
Your baby might be the biggest and best thing in your life now, but if you don’t make time for your love life, no one else can do it for you.
Even if you have to forego sleep or that TV show or movie you’ve been dying to watch, you’ll be so happy that you did.
The desire has a way of developing, even when it wasn’t there to begin with. Take it from my husband and I.
It’s amazing how quickly the mood can develop when you know you might only have 5 minutes to take advantage of your alone time!
Living rooms, kitchens, and even cars make excellent hiding spots for some quality alone time.
Now is the time to make some memories with your spouse that you’ll embarrass your kids with one day when they’re becoming parents themselves.
I personally am building up quite a memory bank of those memories!
I can’t stress enough how important it is to make a commitment to your sex life after you decide to co-sleep or even bed share with your new baby.
The kind of relationship you have with your spouse is likely to be the kind of relationship your children find themselves in one day.
Scotty and I discuss often that we want to make our kids so uncomfortable with how touchy-feely we are with each other.
I’m completely in love with their father and I don’t plan to hide it from them.
If that means a make out session happens at dinner or they catch me grabbing their daddy’s butt…so be it.
Our kids are going to grow up seeing a ton of affection between us, and I truly believe they’ll only be better for it.
Plus, how reassuring is it to know that your mom and dad are so in love and can’t get enough of each other?
That’s a pretty great gift to give to a kid, if you ask me.
If you’re struggling with your sex life and think the only way for it to get better is to change your sleeping arrangement with your kids, think again.
If we can make time for each other a few times a week (yep, you read that right. Aiming for every other day in our house!), then so can you!
Throw caution to the wind, grab a glass of wine, and make time for some alone time in another room after the kids are asleep or when they’re busy playing and you can squeeze in a few minutes behind a locked door.
Have fun with it and MAKE IT HAPPEN!
Trust me, you’ll be happy that you did and your friends will be envious of the relationship you develop. Parenting just adds another layer to my marriage.
My husband is even sexier now that he’s a father.
I can’t tell you how to have the energy.
I can only tell you that sometimes even when your eyes are rolling back in your head in exhaustion is just the time to say “yep, I’m in the mood, let’s go!”
Get creative and get that sex life back on track!
Do you have any tips for new parents on how to squeeze in some alone time? How long did it take you to get back in the groove after becoming parents? Let me know in the comments!